The Last 6 Years of My Life.. and a little TMI

To say I have been putting this blog off for quite some time now is an understatement.. but it has to be written, and what better night than tonight.. My Birthday!  I write this being completely open, with the intention that someone, if only one person, will see a testimony of faith, hope, and God's love and mercy.  WARNING.. IT IS LONG AND HAS SOME TMI. 

Some people know, and many people do not, that I have struggled with getting pregnant for a long time.  "Infertility," as doctors like to call it.  Only my problem was that I could GET pregnant but not STAY pregnant.  This "infertility world" is a silent one in which so many women, and men for that matter, do not talk openly about it and therefore it leaves a lot of people feeling alone, in their own head.  So before I go any further, if you are reading this, and you are struggling with infertility.. you are NOT ALONE!   

Before I had my first baby, I had multiple miscarriages, with the first one being just a few days before my 29th birthday. 
     

Heres a pic of me on my birthday in 2009.. smiling.. 

hiding the hurt that had happened 4 days before.

Pain from a miscarriage, emotionally is hard, but on this very first one, I felt so deeply hurt and empty and questioned a lot of things in my life.  What did I do wrong?  What is wrong with me?  Do I deserve this?  Why God?  Is this punishment for something I've done in life?  I just didn't understand it at all.  It was not supposed to be like this.  

A few months later, I had another miscarriage.  A few months after that.. another, and I had gotten to a point in my life that I dreaded seeing the positive sign on a pregnancy test because of what I knew was going to be the end result: anxiety, fear, worry, and ultimately disappointment.  Because I had had so many miscarriages without a successful pregnancy, my doctor sent me to a specialist because now I was considered "high risk."

When I showed up at the reproductive endocrinologist (PREG and they are GREAT btw) for the very first time I was so nervous, because what they and Travis didn't know was that I had taken a pregnancy test earlier that day and it was positive.  When the nurse came to take us back, she even said to me.. "Are you alright?"  I do wear my emotions on my face.  So no doubt, they found out that I was pregnant in the first few minutes of me being there and wanted to do an ultrasound immediately.  NOTHING was seen in my uterus.  They did blood test which showed that something should be there, but nothing.  After two weeks of blood test and numbers rising, still nothing and still growth.  And since there was nothing on the ultrasound at all the drs told me my only choice was to take a shot called methotrexate (the abortion shot) to rid my body of the pregnancy that was obviously growing somewhere but not in the right place.  Let me tell you.. it was no easy decision to go in a hospital, buy this shot, and have it given to me.  I cried and cried in the parking lot because for some silly reason I was holding onto hope that miraculously a baby would appear.  So this would make my 4th miscarriage.  I took the shot and expected to soon be bleeding and that all would be ended, but a week later, nothing had happened and my numbers were still rising.. what???  Another ultrasound revealed nothing so a second shot was administered.  Talk about an emotional nightmare.. I was devastated.  I just didn't understand what I did to deserve this.. WHY ME?  

Bleeding did finally start and the pregnancy was completely gone two months later.. yes two months.  

After this miscarriage our doctors wanted to do everything possible to find out why we were not getting pregnant, DNA testing, ultrasounds of uterus, testing my tubes to make sure they were open, testing my egg supply, sperm quality testing.. everything! And do you know what they found?  NOTHING.  Can you imagine how frustrating it is to find out that you are having multiple miscarriages over a course of a year and nothing is wrong?  You are frustrated because you want answers but happy that nothing is wrong.. what a weird place to be.  So we went on to follow doctor's orders of fertility meds...

Six months of fertility meds and still no baby and we decided to take the next step.. IUI.  There is a very slim chance that it works but we thought, why not.. its not too expensive and we might as well try something new.  Would you believe it worked?  On our very first try I got my first positive pregnancy test in April of 2011 since the last miscarriage.   There was something different about this pregnancy from the others.. It just felt right and I knew everything was gonna be ok.  I had prayed and prayed for a normal pregnancy.. even if that meant being sick every day, I wanted it all! (SIDE NOTE: and this is why it makes me mad when people complain about their pregnancies.. as there are women out there that would gladly take your place..)  And, that's exactly what I got.  It felt good to just feel normal for a while and not feel like a failure.. yes I said it.. FAILURE.. because no matter what you say, that is what I felt in my heart and head.. that I was a failure because for some reason my female body could not hold a pregnancy while it seemed everyone around me could.  

  My precious Miracle

On December 30 my precious baby was born and that was a moment in my life that I treasure and have never for even a second taken for granted.  People have claimed that I am obsessed with my kid, and you know what?   I am.  I'll gladly admit it and I cherish him and every single moment I get with him.  He is my little miracle and I sincerely thank God for him every day.  He made me what I always wanted to be.. a MOM.  

This is what Faith, Hope and the Love of God looks like: 

perfect right?

Moving on.. 

A year and a half later (July 2013), Travis and I decided we were ready for more kids, and without even trying, I got pregnant again.  No meds, no doctors, nothing.  We were shocked really and completely amazed as this had never happened so easily for us!  I was even happier because I soon found out that not only was I pregnant, but both of my sisters were pregnant too!  Oh what fun we all thought!  We were all literally weeks apart.. days even!  Super exciting.  But just as quickly as the excitement came... things changed.  

One Tuesday night in September, I was laying in bed and had this weird gushing feeling, like I had peed on myself a little.  I rushed to the bathroom and I was lightly bleeding.  Of course I panicked but I also thought.. well, everything still seems fine and I knew people who did "spot" during pregnancies so I'm not gonna worry too much right now..Plus I'm 14 weeks along.. out of the first trimester..All is OK!   So, I went to the doctor the next day.. they said "everything is fine".. even on the ultrasound everything looked great..but I was still bleeding.  What you also don't know is that during this time, my sister, Robyn, was also bleeding.  She had had some spotting off and on during her pregnancy and just thought it was normal.  Three days later (Sunday) I was in the ER because the bleeding was so bad and I also had a fever, which was alarming...   I just knew it wasn't right. After a ton of test they sent me home and told me everything was fine.  Here's where we take a turn for the YUCK..

SEPTEMBER 16, 2013

I woke up to use the bathroom and bleeding was still bad so I got dressed and decided I was going to be waiting on my OBGYN office to open so that they could check me and see what was up.  On the way there, and unknown to us that she had been up all night with contractions, my sister Robyn sent a text that said.. "I just lost the baby, I do not want to talk about it." She was 16 weeks pregnant.

I will never in my life forget that moment..where I was in my car on the road (red light on Blackstock road in front of old Blockbuster), what song was playing (Roar by Katy Perry), how my stomach felt when she told me.. like I had been punched.. and in such shock that I couldn't even cry... just gasp for air.. and hold my heart.

When I made it to my OB office, the receptionist said I looked green and I broke down right there at her desk.   I was heartbroken for my sister and scared for myself.  Terrified really.  They immediately took me back to counsel me and do some ultrasounds and test on my baby.   The ultrasound at that office showed I had a "normal bleed" near my placenta but they wanted me to go to a high risk doctor to have a higher powered ultrasound done.  I made it to that office and they immediately took me back for my ultrasound.  I got to see my beautiful, perfect baby and the ultrasound tech said.. Its a BOY!!  Travis' face lit up with the thought of having another boy and I was so happy to hear the doctor say "He looks beautiful, perfect, everything looks great..you just have a normal bleed that will eventually go away on its own."  

11 week ultrasound of baby boy #2

  But everything changed quickly.. 

On my drive home I started having painful contractions and was shaking out of control.  I got home and decided to check the baby's heart rate.. sounded great.  Ok Christy, I thought, maybe a bath will help... but while in the bath I was having contractions every 2 minutes.  I get out of the bath, check the baby's heart rate.. great.. ok.. its still hurting, BAD.. I take a strong pain pill because I think I know what is about to happen.  Thirty minutes later the meds have not even touched the pain and I get back in the bath to try and chill out.. and after a few minutes in the bath I couldn't stand it any longer.  I stepped out and had to use the bathroom and as I sat on the toilet.. It happened. (this is where I tell you TMI)  The baby fell right out of me, still in the sack and I was in COMPLETE disblief.  Hysterical crying came on to me as I kneeled down to just check out what I thought I saw.. and it was real.  I saw a baby boy, complete with dark black eyes, long arms and legs, little body.. one whom I had seen two hours earlier moving around on an ultrasound screen.. I cannot get the image out of my head of him laying there.  He was still in the sack.  Completely perfect.  And all I could whisper to him was.. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry."  I had failed him.. or at least that was how I felt.  

Was I really alive in this moment?  It didn't feel like it.  It felt like a nightmare.  How could it be that sisters have miscarriages, in their second trimester, on the same day?  It DOESN'T happen!  My mom, who had just left my house moments before to go to the hospital to console Robyn for losing her baby that day, was in disbelief of what was happening.  Complete shock and didn't know what to do.  Travis, who was at the pharmacy getting me some vitamins, got a call from me and had to rush home.. How does he deal??  Around 2 hours before we had seen our baby boy.  How was he able to be strong enough to remove that baby from the toilet and have it buried?  These are just things you don't easily recover from.  How do you deal with such a tragedy as this as a family, as a person?   God.  

I'll be honest though, I couldn't deal.  I shut off.  I completely shut off my emotions and just became cold on the inside and fake happy on the outside.. as if nothing was wrong... People even asked me.. how are you dealing with this so well??  because I really showed no emotion..waving it off almost as a simple misfortune.  I was bitter and questioned everything I knew to be true.  God we had plans!   God we are building a new house with rooms for kids!  God why is it so easy for everyone around me to have a baby and for some reason I keep losing them?  God why do people who abuse kids get to have kids?   As much as I wanted answers to those questions.. i didn't get them. I realized that being bitter was getting me no where and I needed to thank God for my first baby that I did have because in that moment, he was my saving grace.  Mommy can't be sad all the time when you have another baby to take care of.. so I just put on my fake smiley face and moved on in life.  I couldn't let myself go where my heart wanted to take me.  It was broken and I could either let that ruin me or make me stronger.  

So what did I do next?  I started praying every day that I would get pregnant and have another normal pregnancy.  That was my plan.  Every Day, Same prayer.   Surely God knew I was a good person, a great mom..would NEVER put a child in harm's way.. Is it so wrong to want a sibling for your only child?  I seemingly had it all together with a good family, great father figure for my children, new house with plenty of room and did I mention..I WAS A GOOD MOM!?!?!?! so surely I could have another child..right?? 

4 months later in January of 2014 I had another miscarriage..while finding out my sister Robyn had become pregnant.   In July.. another miscarriage..  then again in October of 2014.. right after Robyn had her first child.. Why couldn't it just happen for me already??  I actually was about ready to give up on this dream of having more kids.. BUT, In my heart I knew I just had to have more kids!!  I HAD TO!    

My prayers changed.  "Dear Lord, I want to be pregnant but if I have to have another miscarriage I do not want to ever be pregnant again."  EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  

I just couldn't take it any more.  No more miscarriages.

 In 2015, we did decide to try the IUI route with very strong fertility meds and after 5-6  failed attempts (I can't remember how many) the doctors gave us the news in June that our only other options would be IVF with genetic testing on the embryos.  Well, I said "Thank you but No" and "Not right now."  I was done with these fertility meds and testing and ultrasounds and blood work and it seemed like all we were doing was throwing money out of the window.  I realize you cannot put a price on this type thing..and yes the money is completely worth it..but it is hard to see your husband paying out all this money for something that you don't even know will work.  IVF is not guaranteed.. it is A LOT of money for something that is not guaranteed and I just could not wrap my brain around it at that time..so like I said.. I told the doctors and Travis.. Not right now.. I need a break.. 

I decided it was time for me to get a new life motto.. YOLO.  It was time to LIVE!  I was tired of living my life in two week increments.. I was tired of meds.. I was tired of waiting to see if I was pregnant.. I was tired of seeing NO.  I was always on edge..  Mad at people for asking me insensitive questions like.. "When are y'all going to have another kid?"  "What are you and travis waiting on?" DON'T YOU KNOW I'M TRYING???  

I was also trying my hardest to find joy in my life and in the lives of others.. as in finding joy in the fact that one of my sisters had two kids in the time I was trying to have ONE and that my other sister had one kid and was pregnant with another..not to mention other countless friends that also seemingly got pregnant so easily.  I was so happy for them..but so sad for me...still not understanding "why me?"  I was sick of feeling this way and it was time for me to GIVE IT ALL TO GOD and live my life...and thats exactly what I did.   Still praying every day... "God I really want to be pregnant and have a normal pregnancy, but please do not let me get pregnant if I am going to have another miscarriage."  He heard me.   

The next month.. July.. I did nothing besides enjoy life.   It felt good to not look at my calendar and try to plan out when to have sex or what day I should be on my cycle.. and so on.  

August came and I knew I would be out of town (meaning away from Travis) during my peak ovulation time so I knew that month was a wash.. or was it?  

Robyn and I had to go to market in Atlanta to buy prom and wedding gowns for this upcoming season and it is normally a 4-5 day process.  We were to be gone from Wednesday to Sunday.. LITERALLY every single day that I could have gotten pregnant that month.. Saturday afternoon came and Robyn and I decided we had finished everything at market and she really wanted to get home and see her baby.. so I said OK.. lets go home.. 

Little did I know that that was the night I would get pregnant.  

Two weeks later I did not get my "time of the month" and I thought.. hmmm.. so I waited a week.. and finally after an agonizing week of waiting I took a test.. 

WHAT????

I was I'm complete disbelief.. I mean really.. how could this happen???   God.  Thats how.  I didn't see a doctor.  I didn't take any fertility meds.. NOTHING.  I didn't tell Travis.. I couldn't bear telling him and then having another miscarriage, so I went to the doctor instead for some blood work.  A week later after two great blood work results I felt that it was time to tell Travis and he was in as much shock as I was!  It finally felt right.. like it was our time!

Here is what I have been really wanting to share though.. as great as this news is that I am finally pregnant.. Praise God for that.. I want you to hear from my mouth that God has carried me through all of my heartaches and I didn't even see that clearly until recently.  But as I look back on the past 6 years I can see how He pulled me through every single time I was heartbroken.  I could have easily fallen through to the bottom of depression but I did not because of HIM.   

Most importantly for me to share.. I have heard Him like I have never heard Him before in the last few months.  

I always wondered what it was like when people said.. I heard God speaking to me.. well now I know.  Every time I used the bathroom I would be scared that when I wiped I would see blood.  Every time.  Can you blame me?  One night I had gotten up to use the bathroom and I had that fear and it was so overwhelming and I heard as clear as day, "DO NOT FEAR, DO NOT FEAR!"  And I said.. "Ok God.. You did this.. You are going to get me through it." From then on.. when fear would creep up on me.. I would just acknowledge God and know that everything would be ok. I felt, for the second time, good about a pregnancy.  He was and is with me!

Baby Conn Due May 2016 at 13 weeks

Here I am now, turned 35 today, and 16 weeks and 2 days pregnant, feeling completely normal so far.. happily nauseated for the first trimester, and in complete awe of what God has done in my life in the past 6 years.. which now seems like a blink in time.  I have learned so much through it all.  I have learned how to have Hope and Faith in the Lord when it seemed as though He didn't hear me.  I have learned how much He loves me and had a perfect plan for me that I couldn't see through my own.  Thank you God for your mercy.  Thank you God for your LOVE!  

So as this is my "formal pregnancy announcement", I want more than anything for you to see God through me and the life of this baby I carry now.  I know that there is a reason for everything and I honestly believe that I was put through these trials of life so that I could use them to share the message of God's Love to everyone I know.  When I have told people I am pregnant I have rarely failed to mention that GOD DID THIS!  Please, Please feel free to share (I want you to!) my story with anyone you feel could use a testimony of Faith, Hope, and the Love of God.. or just some encouragement in the silent "infertility world."  

Lastly, I want to thank everyone that has been by my side for my entire journey.  There are people I know and don't know that have been faithfully praying for me.  I felt those prayers and I appreciate every single one of them.  So, thank you for your prayers, thoughts, sensitivity, caring words, encouragement, and love.  Travis and I are so excited to finally be able to share this news with you all!  

-Christy